The Evening Standard reported a gem today:
"The Met Office is to crack down on negative forecasts, banning terms such as 'small chance of showers' in favour of the more positive 'mostly dry'."
Interesting. The Standard then goes on to suggest that expressions such as "isolated storms" may be replaced by "hot and sunny for most," that "occasional showers" would be rephrased as "mainly dry" and that "often cloudy" could be expressed as "generally clear."
So, if this black-and-white principle were adopted by the New Orleans Met Office, I suppose last month's 80% flooding of the city by a category 4 hurricane would be expressed as "dry for some," would it?
Andy Yeatman of the Met Office says, "We have been doing a lot of work on how we can communicate the weather to people and the problem is that the weather is always different, so we want to try to cut down on the number of stock phrases that we use."
Good idea. Here are some suggestions:
"Same rain, different day."
"Sunny across the whole country, but that doesn't mean anything."
"The UV index today is high, as indicated by the red triangle to my left, and the red-raw flesh you will see about town today."
Mr Yeatman continues: "We are therefore issuing this guidance to all our forecasters, whether they are for television or the internet. We are asking them to think a little more about personalising their forecasts for their audience."
Alright! That's what I like to hear. Here is my personal forecast for British weather for the next decade:
"In its time-honoured tradition, the weather in Britain this decade will do everything it can to fuck you over. As I have experienced myself, there will continue to be spiteful days whereby the sky remains clear and sunny while you remain indoors all day but rains for the only five minutes that you go out to get the paper. Forget about seasons, this mish-mash of unpredictable weather is here to stay. At best you will get a few disparate patches of truly enjoyable weather here and there between the grey, rainy days and the intolerably hot ones; at worst you can expect the collapse of the North Atlantic Gulf Stream and the onset of a new Ice Age in north-western Europe."
My solution? Emigrate.
